CLEANING HOUSE
Cleaning House: Local Politician Bans Mops and Brooms in ‘Spring Clean’ Reform
URGENT NOOZ ALERTS – Stay Informed, Stay Outraged!
Billionaire Patriot Faces Persecution Over Completely Innocent Box of ‘Classified Souvenirs
Former leader and real estate mogul, Ronald Victorious, is being unfairly targeted after "accidentally" keeping nuclear submarine blueprints in his golf cart. His legal team, sponsored by Freedom Pillows™, vows to fight the corrupt justice system—or at least delay things indefinitely.
Government Finally Admits Weather Exists, Conspiracy Theorists Take Victory Lap
After years of denial, officials acknowledge that "wind, rain, and occasional storms" might be real. A spokesperson from SkyTruth Media™ insists this is proof that "chemtrails are next." A new documentary, "Hurricane Hoax: Why The Ocean is Lying to You", debuts on Phox Nooz Channel next week.
Study Finds Link Between Getting Vaccinated and Not Dying – Experts Suspicious
The controversial report from The Science Agenda Institute™ claims a correlation between receiving medical care and surviving illnesses. Critics, including self-certified wellness expert Dr. Todd Detox, demand an investigation, stating, "Big Pharma just wants people alive to buy more products.
Sponsored & Totally Trustworthy Partners
Miracle Serum or Mind Control? Schmutin’s Private Label SPF 666 Hits U.S. Shelves
Now with patented "obedience peptides"—protects against UV rays AND free thought! (Available exclusively via a direct link to Russian State TV.)
Big Pharma Doesn’t Want You to Know: Essential Oils Can Cure Literally Everything
Introducing "PureHealth Conspiracy™", the #1 trusted source for science-free medicine! (Now featuring our "5G Blocker" body mist and 100% FDA-unapproved herbal injections!)
Escape to Paradise! Epstein Island Rebrands as 'Freedom Shores'—Now a Family-Friendly Resort
"What happens on the island stays… classified." (All-inclusive packages now available with "Elite VIP Access"—passport required, morals optional!)
Revive Your Wallet! 'Patriot Gold Reserve' Launches Foolproof Investment Plan for the Easily Persuaded
Because nothing says financial freedom like mailing your life savings to a P.O. box!" (Now offering pre-loaded gold bars that may or may not be chocolate inside!) Secure Your Future – Before the Deep State Takes It!
CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED
New Show for People Who Believe They're "The Chosen Ones" Airs on ParanormoTV
6 minutes (or as long as it takes for your tinfoil hat to warm up).
UPLIFTING NOOZ
Hero Dog Saves Family from Fire, Immediately Deported for Lacking Papers
6 minutes (or the time it takes for a politician to tweet about it and do nothing).
LUXURY PROBLEMS
Local Man Buys Dream Car—Only to Realize He Can’t Afford the Gas
5 minutes (or however long it takes to call an Uber instead).
SCIENCE SAYS
FDA Upgrades Recall Alert to ‘Most Serious’ Level, Warns of Severe Illness or Death
4 minutes of shallow analysis: What’s your favorite number?
DEI-ING TOO MUCH
How Much Women Are Too Much Women in the Workplace?
7 minutes (or however long it takes for HR to delete this report).
UNDER THE INFLUENCER
AI to Replace All Jobs Except the Ones Destroying the Planet
4 minutes of shallow analysis: What’s your favorite number?
TIPS & TRICKS
How to Survive Biden’s Economy: The Dollar Menu as a Lifestyle
4 minutes (or however long it takes for your credit card to get declined).
CRYPTO & CHAOS
Self-Proclaimed Finance Guru Loses $500K in Crypto, Says You Should Still Listen to Him
5 minutes (or the exact amount of time before he launches a new course on ‘winning’).